Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Sienna Miller in a Catfight to the Death!

Sienna Miller clawed another photographer today. She was so angry she actually TURNED INTO A CAT. After swiftly killing the photographer with a bite to the neck, Sienna deposited his lifeless body next to Jude’s bed as a little kitty present.

As disgusted as you might be when you wake up, Jude, she thinks she's doing you a favor. Give her a pat on the head and some Little Liver Snaps.

Star(bucks) fuckers

Celebs love Starbucks. That goes double (latte) for Ben and Jen.

Now Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News says that the pair may be getting paid big bucks to carry Starbucks cups everywhere they go.

This shocking NEW PHOTO -- yes, it's COMPLETELY NEW -- of Jen emblazoned with the Starbucks logo (and inexplicably transformed into a cat) suggests that the caffeine giant is getting some excellent product placement bang for its star bucks. (Star bucks -- get it? Ha! Oh I'm good.)

Go Shorty, it's Your Bat Mitzvah

Word is that 50 Cent earned a cool 50 million cents (or $500,000) for a four-song set at the bat mitzvah of the daughter of a Long Island defense contractor.

To be honest, Fiddy's performance -- I can call him "Fiddy," because I'm "street" -- was not the strangest thing about the ceremony.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Walking With the Enemy

When the Great Cat Revolution comes, some celebrities are gonna have a lot of ‘splaining to do! Eh, Nicole? Et tu, Ben? Et three, Rachel and Adam?

Just watch out, because those bitches can turn on you in an instant!

In the meantime, these dog-consorting celebs may want to stay out of Kazakhstan, where, apparently, the number one sport is to shoot a dog and then have a party. At least according to Kazakhstan’s Number Two Top Television Reporter!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Jen Garner's EXTREME Pregnancy!

Yipes! If Jennifer Garner’s bump gets any bigger, it’s going to need its own zip code. And a Starbucks.

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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Mariah the Cowardly Lion

The Cat-Celebrity Convergence continues! First Jocelyn Wildenstein, then Joan Rivers. Now Mariah Carey seems to be morphing into a cat of sorts, and our friends at Dlisted have pictures to prove it.

Ah well. At least she isn't turning into Garfield. yet.

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Nick and Jessica End Their Travesty of a Mockery of a Sham

I can't believe that Nick and Jessica have really gone and done it. No more ring-finger hide and seek, no more escalator rides of shame.

Damn! And I already ordered my "Nick and Jessica Fighting Like Cats and Dogs Calendar 2006."

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Macy's Parade Balloon Disaster Mishap Crisis!

Looks like Odie's been up to his old tricks!

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Turkey Feast of Links

If Teri’s van is a-rockin’, don’t go a-knockin! Seriously, because she’ll sue your ass. Also, are you sure you really want to see what goes on that van? She's sort of turning into The Joker, and not in a good way.

May it please the court: "I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies.” So says the guy just jailed for storing his mom’s dead body next to the frozen waffles. Still, we think he should get at least a year off his sentence for calling Ben a "pool boy."

Jake G. picks his next movie role. Oh, wait, not a role. His nose.

Homer Simpson gives directions.

Nicole Richie replaces her legs with toothpicks.

If those razors with two blades give you twice the shave, these pants give you twice the buttcrack!

Is Jacko good for the Jews? (Thanks, Fat Asian Baby, for the link.

Ashlee looks like an idiot.

Kimberly Stewart, same thing.

Dogs forced to wear stupid costumes! Ha! Dogs suck! Catz ROOOL!

Happy Thanksgiving! I will be giving thanks for:

1) Cats,
2) Idiot Celebrities and
3) you, the faithful blog reader.

Pre-Thanksgiving Film Festival

The Greatest Films of All Time:

1) Citizen Kane
2) Battleship Potemkin
3) Topless Kate Moss dancing spastically and hitting her head on a fan.
4) Some dude singing “What is Love?”
5) Funny Cat Video!

Oh, who am I kidding. The Funny Cat Video is #1.

(Thanks to Citirag for the cats and! for the singing dude.)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tara Reid: Kirsten Dunst's Drunken Master

So it seems that Tara Reid, Hollywood’s Drunken Master, has taken a promising new disciple under her skanky wing -- none other than Kirsten Dunst. Tara is wise in the ways of the wasted; Kirsten, though a beginner, clearly thirsts for knowledge. And booze. And, uh, yarn, apparently.

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Bush: Doors are hard!

Our dim bulb President had some trouble with a door the other day. D’oh! Unfortunately, it's not the first time he's been flummoxed by doors. Here he is trying to squeeze through the White House cat flap.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Links, Front to Back

Tim-berrrrr! Or should we say Pam-berrrr!

Is your crotch hungry, girl? Cuz it's eating your pants!

Mi nombre no es Demi Moore. No tengo pechos falsos grandes! Un burrito, por favor.

Hey, it’s better than Scientology! Plus: It's got kitties!

Brit Brit uses her hand to get off.

Bush tries to escape. Thanks Dlisted! Actually, Bush has looked this stupid before.

A young Jack White begins to develop his fashion sense.

This is how Leonardo got started, too.

Jessica loses her ring in some dude’s ass. (Allegedly.)

We're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Then a Blake Cat crosses my path

Well. Robert Blake has been found liable in the wrongful death of his wife.

Here is a photograph that was shockingly never allowed as evidence in either Blake trial. Well, maybe not so shockingly.

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Schrodinger's Cat.Lebrity

So this has nothing to do with celebrities, really, except for one formerly famous deaf actress and one semi-famous cult leader who says she channels an ancient dude from Atlantis -- or as I like to call it, Hotlantis -- named Ramtha. And the only cat involved is Schrodinger's. But I happened to catch “What the Bleep do We Know?” on cable last night. It’s this weird mixture of quantum physics, New Age insanity, and terrible, terrible CGI animated “comedy.” Oh, and along with all this we have a sappy comedy-melodrama in which Marlee Matlin plays a photographer who gives up Xanax with the help of a wise young black child and dancing CGI peptides (I think that's what they were).

Anyway, it is quite possibly the most irritating movie ever made. The movie's title is irritating. The insane New Age ideas are irritating. The “experts” propounding the insane New Age ideas are irritating. The CGI is irritating. The acting is irritating. The dialogue is irritating. The “humor” is irritating. The music is irritating. Even the end credits are irritating.

Oh, plus the “experts” in the film include the aforementioned cult leader, an ex-priest accused of child molestation, a former wacky Presidential Candidate, a homosexual-”curing” doctor, and a legitimate physicist who says his comments were “edited in such a way as to completely suppress my actual views about the matters the movie discusses.”

Speaking of, er, “alternative” religion, apparently TomKat’s demon spawn is a robot, or something.

And speaking of alleged child molestation, who knew that when Gary Glitter asked the musical question “Do you want to touch me there?” the “you” meant young boys and the “there” meant “in Vietnam?”

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Man-Whores and Tampon Sandwiches

Someone needs to fix Chris Klein a tampon sandwich!

Attention all he-bitch man-whores! Get your resume ready!

If she’s trying to lick him clean, she’s got a long night ahead of her.

The one son-of-a-bitch that wouldn't talk.

Tara’s back! By “back” we mean “being carried out of bars.” (Item near the bottom of the page here.)

Oh, man, what did we DO last night?

This just makes me tired.

Jessica Alba Threatens to Act

Jessica Alba says she’s tired of being a sex kitten and wants to try -- what is that called? -- acting. Please, Jessica, the only kind of acting you’re good at is acting like you’ve got a great ass. Which you do, so, there you go; you’re like a method actor of the ass. Don’t turn your back on your true talent! Just turn your back ON US!

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Celebrity Body Part Parade!

Sometimes, celebrities like to show off, or otherwise draw attention to, particular body parts. This can be a very bad idea. Here’s a smorgasbord of the good, the bad, but mostly the ugly.









A Force More Powerful Than Tara

So much weird shit. As Dr. Pepper might say, I don’t know where to start or where to begin. Angelina Jolie is practicing voodoo; Ozzy Osbourne is terrified of bird flu -- even though, he insists, his days of bird-biting are behind him; Dakota Fanning is making a play for Vince; Hillary Clinton is allegedly pig-biting mad that not-so-little Chelsea has been hanging out with none other than T-ra R-id (hey, at least it’s not Bill); this poor lady’s giant boobs are being eaten by chipmunks and Paris, sweet monkey-touching Paris, is kicking sweet drunk-driving-with-a-jacket-on-his-head-and-leaving-the-scene of-an-accident Stavros to the curb because -- get this! -- his rowdy friends set a hotel room on fire and she doesn’t want to be associated with that kind of trash!!! (Those are exclamation points of astonishment, not a reference to the band.)

Ok, take a breath, then let’s just circle back to Ms. Reid, shall we? This past weekend the legendary “party girl” -- that’s the nicest term I can think of for what she is -- proved utterly incapable of pulling off a birthday party for herself. She showed up more-or-less clothed, apparently sober-ish -- and with HER MOTHER IN TOW! Apparently, The Scoop says, whenever she got too freaky with her dancing (or whatever) “a hand reached out and pulled her away. It was her mom.”

That’s right: there is a force in this universe powerful enough to contain Tara’s slutitude! Her mom! Aaak! Gargoyles! Psychics! DARK-SIDED!!

We’re just going to hide in this bag until it all blows over.

UPDATE! Stavros' friends didn't start a fire! They set off a fire alarm during a "pillow fight gone awry.". Also P&S may not be completely broken up. In which case, presumably, their love will be eternal, or for another 3 days, whichever comes first.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Paris: Touch My Monkey!

I don’t know why people think celebrities are weird. Some looked askance at Michael Jackson’s recent, perfectly ordinary, trip to the ladies’ room to powder his nose. (Or maybe just to reattach it.) Now Page Six is making a big fuss about Paris Hilton's newest Best Friend Forever, a little monkey named Baby Luv. So the two of them were shopping for underwear together at Agent Provocateur in Vegas last Saturday -- hey, monkeys like to shop too, especially for lacy underthings. And bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Anyhoo, Baby Luv then, allegedly, “bit Hilton and clawed her face.” As if! He was just fixing Paris’ makeup. Later in the evening he disrupted Kelly Osbourne’s birthday party at the Hard Rock. Come on, people! That’s less a crime than a public service.

At left, an artist’s rendition of Paris and Baby Luv once Baby grows up. And also if Paris is turned into a cat, but, hey, this is cat.lebrity and that’s just how we roll.

Meanwhile, here’s some actual pictures of Paris and her actual monkey, who actually doesn’t look very much like an actual monkey at all.

PS: Yeah, I know. This is not my best photoshopping job ever. It's sort of lame. In my defense, it's hard to find decent pictures of cats and monkeys together. None of those I found even came close to the Daily Show's oft-used footage of a monkey washing a cat.

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Hilarity Ensues

As the Undertones so eloquently put it, “it’s never too late to enjoy dumb entertainment.”

Celebrities Detouched! Scary! (Thanks, DListed for the tip.)

The Grown-up World of Richard Scarry. Scarry!

The Blue Ball Machine. (No, not THAT kind!)

And last but not least, celebrities in tears! Which reminds me of this!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Michael Jackson: The King of Poop

Ok, so on Saturday Michael Jackson was spotted fixing his makeup while wearing a traditional Arab women's headscarf in a women’s restroom in Dubai. Some people no doubt will see this as yet another sign of his freakishness. But come on! What red-blooded American male HASN’T fixed his makeup while wearing women’s clothing in a ladies room in Dubai?

Anyway, the woman who spotted him snapped a few photos of him with a camera phone. The police quickly confiscated her phone, but not before we were able to get our hands on this candid shot of MJ using the potty.

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Life in the Fast Lane, Continued

Eva Longoria gets gas!

Nick and Jessica ride an escalator!

Britney sucks on a lollipop!

K-Fed and Dad-Fed buy beer!

And, oh, Christina Aguilara might have gotten secretly married this weekend.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

J-Loving the Alien

So why, you ask, did J Lo recently appear in public looking like some kind of waxy space alien?

Well, to ask that question is to answer it: because she IS a a space alien. Specifically a giant hairless cat-alien from planet Qbtxlyyl in the Spwwazyt sector. (Right off the Yy!!vsdew nebula -- you can’t miss it.)

Anyway, through my connections on Rrru5vcxx, the paparazzi planet, I was able to procure this picture of her on her home world. She’s much prettier, I think, when she takes off those awful wigs to reveal her lovely, lovely ears.

By the way: Some people think all cats are aliens. Not true, but some of them are working for aliens.

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Friday, November 11, 2005

We likey, we linky!

We would like to welcome the following blogs to the cat.lebrity honor roll of links!

Who wants to pee their pants?
Britboy in LA
You can’t make it up

And while we're at it, we added these sort of recently also!

Celebrity Smack!
Conversations about famous people
Fat Asian Baby
It's not porn, I swear!

Lots of these blog titles have exclamation marks in them!

This one doesn't but it totally should! Actually, I'll just go ahead and give it one! Ok, FOUR!!!!

Overheard! In! New! York!

The News for Cats

Christina Aguilara pets the pussy!

The Anna Nicole Smith of cats!

Cats mourn dead dog!

That cat is making me crazy!

One tough cat.

Just say meow!

Brit Brit Hume

So I was flipping channels the other day, whilst pondering the life choices and career path of Britney Spears, and my eyes happened to light on Fox News' Brit Hume. This prompted a terrifying vision, which I have tried to capture in the picture at left.

No cats were injured in the making of today's pic, though I did make myself sick.

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

Life in the Fast Lane

Nicole eats a banana!

Keanu drinks juice!! Good thing he's wearing a protective helmet!

Paris has the munchies!

No more latte or Jen will explode!

My poor clothing choices make me sad.

Vince Vaughn: I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!

Well, OK, maybe a little fat. And he seems to be growing out his nose hair as well.. We can only hope he’s doing all this for his part in the upcoming film “The Adventures of Fatty McNosehair.”

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Clicky Clicky

Watching Paris Hilton is like watching a car crash. Literally.

Ladies and gentlemen, the sexiest man alive! (Well, that’s what People apparently thinks.)

This is what happens to kitten killers. (Paging Dr. Bill Frist!)

“Yo, don't step, Pat O'Brien is good peoples.”

I am again THE WIENER!. Well, the WINNER. Well, one of five. SCARY PICTURE!

Also: On the right side of the page you will find two new adopted imaginary pets! These cursor-chasing kitties have kept me amused for many minutes! Because I am a cat-addled idiot.

Good Golly Miss Dolly

I love Dolly Parton. Who doesn’t? I’ll forgive her nearly anything, from bizarre outfits to poor song choices. But these pictures have scared the funny out of me. Dolly, what are you thinking!!?? No more plastic surgery! You’re starting to look like Joan Rivers plus Jocelyn Wildenstein, multiplied by Madame.

Everyone’s got to grow old someday, Dolly. Please please please try to do it as a human being, not some scary demented space alien puppet!

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Star and Al: A Pair of Queens

An article in the National Enquirer claims that Star Jones “loves being larger than life” (ha!) and “models herself on royalty.” In fact, one of her friends says, “she wears a tiara whenever she can.”

Hey, nothing wrong with that. We here at cat.lebrity wear tiaras all the time -- sometimes two or three at once, when we’re feeling especially royal.

Of course, this means that there are now two big queens in the Star Jones household. (rimshot!)

(Rimshot link borrowed from goldenfiddle, just added to the cat.lebrity honor roll of links!)

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Monday, November 07, 2005

Hot Celebrity Picks!

Mischa Barton picks her nose!

Ashley Olsen picks at her hair!

Drew Barrymore picks up some tacos!

Freddy Prinze Jr. picks up dog poo -- with his shoe!

Nicollette Sheridan, Desperate Housecat

Uh oh! Desperate Housewife Nicollette Sheridan says she’s pissed that crazy people on the Internets are photoshopping her face onto naked bodies, and is thinking of suing. Pasting celebrity faces onto bodies not their own? That just sounds freaky. Who would do such a thing?

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

Wash that frog right out of your hair ...

... with these SUNDAY LYNX!

"Owners need to consider the moral implications before they dress up, or use cosmetics on their animals.”

“Do I have a "large frog in my hair?"

"It would be less controversial if I joined the Nazi Party. It's not hurting anybody.” Oh, wait.

Calista will cut you! And her own hair.

We’ll always have Paris’ ONE DAMN POSE.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Prince Charles and Lady Die, Monster, Die!

Prince Charles and Camilla stopped by the White House last week for tea and crumpets. George kept calling Camilla "Lady Di," much to the embarrassment of First Lady Laura, who tried to distract attention from his gaffes by making silly faces.

See the original pics and more Laura faces here.

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Friday, November 04, 2005

The request line is open!

We take requests! Is there a specific idiot celeb you’d like to see turned into a mutant cat.lebrity? Even better, do you have a highly unflattering picture of this idiot celebrity you could send along? Or a picture of a cat in a compromising situation that you think needs a celeb’s face on it? Or both? Or neither? Post a comment or send along an email with your ideas, pics, etc.

The Goldie Girls

Meg Ryan and Goldie Hawn team up for an all-cat remake of Death Becomes Her.

Original pic from goldenfiddle, but I found it through the always excellent Dlisted.

Death Becomes Her, by the way, is one of the greatest movies ever, but clearly Goldie didn’t learn much from being in it.

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Thursday, November 03, 2005

Tyra Banks: Undercover Fatso

Tyra Banks went deep undercover as a fatty fat fat for a segment on her talk show that’ll air next week. It didn’t go well. "I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face,” she told the Associated Press. Yep, that’s right. Apparently donning a giant fat suit wasn’t enough to disguise the fact that she was still Tyra Banks.

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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

No cash for K-Fed! (Who also can't rap.)

Poor, poor K-Fed. Literally. He stops off at the ATM the other night to pick up some of his wife’s cash for booze and whoring, or whatever it is he does, only to have his card denied. Bam! Then they won’t let him rent The Princess Diaries 2 at the local Blockbuster. So he heads home for an evening of drunk channel-surfing on the couch. At least Brit Brit hasn’t cut off the cable yet!

UPDATE: You may recall hearing that Brit Brit laughed out loud after hearing rough takes from K-Fed's allegedly upcoming album. Well, bless the Internets: Some of them songs have LEAKED, and Stereogum has a MP3 snippet of one of them! The music itself, not bad, with some crunchy percussion and echoey sonar blips. K-Fed himself -- well, he's better than Bai Ling. But then again so is a screeching teapot. The song does clear up one thing I've been wondering about: K-Fed is not pronouced as if you're talking about that place where Alan Greenspan works. It's K-Fade. Yep, fade, just like what's now happening to his dreams of a music career.

Don't quit your day job, dude! Whatever that is.

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The mystery of Paris Hilton's tail(s)

I was perplexed to see so many other blogs refer to Ms. Hilton’'s "“slutty bunny"” Halloween costume -- when the photos I’d seen showed clearly that she had the long fuzzy tail of a slutty cat, or perhaps slutty fox, not the round fluffy tail of a bunny.

Then I ran across other pictures from that night’s revelries, and lo and behold -- SHE HAD A BUNNY TAIL!

So what happened? Did someone sidle up to her and say, “great bunny ears, Paris, but bunnies don't actually have long tails.” Did an assistant run after her and deftly replace her cat/fox/armadillo/whatever tail with a bunny tail without her even noticing? Did her ass simply swallow the first tail whole?

Also: The slutty cat/fox/armadillo Paris has curly hair, and the slutty bunny Paris has straight hair! Has Paris been cloned?

On top of all this, I’m beginning to suspect that she wasn’t wearing a costume at all. I'm guessing she just went to get the morning paper in her underwear and the door blew shut, locking her outside, and she figured, "what the hell. I'm Paris Hilton, for god's sake. No one will even notice anything out of the ordinary."

Something smells fishy here.

Oh, sorry, just my cat’s breath. My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

P.S. The dude at notes that a mystery domino pizza’s guy followed Paris around all that night. Who he?!

The Senate needs to go into closed session to debate THESE mysteries!!

UPDATE! Yet another Paris Hilton ass mystery!

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Christian Slater plunges into Paris Hilton's Bush

No, no. Not THAT bush. You guys have filthy, filthy minds. An actual bush, with leaves and shit. This past weekend, see, (alleged) ass-grabbing Hollywood has-been Christian Slater climbed up onto a roof at a Paris Hilton party, then slipped and fell headlong into her bush. Again, we reiterate: an actual, green, leafy, photosynthetic, living bush. Slater wasn’t injured, though he did get herpes.


Slater Falls from Roof at Paris Hilton Bash

Christian Slater falls for Paris' bush

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