Friday, June 30, 2006

Star Jones Pees on Barbara's Chair

Even after her little post-View media tour, Star Jones Reynolds remains one pissed-off kitty. Earlier today she snuck onto the set of The View and had to be hauled off by guards who caught her tearing up the furniture. Witnesses noticed a strong odor of cat pee in the air, but, to be fair, that’s pretty much how The View set always smells.

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Paris Must Poop!

Recently, while flying over Germany on some super-secret slutty mission, Paris Hilton landed her helicopter on a farm and forced the family living there to let her use their bathroom. Apparently, says someone who was there, "her bouncers even blocked the farm door so the family couldn't go inside their own house while she was using the loo."

What's even worse is that she's still not quite sure how to use a toilet. That's why she usually just squats on the ground and lets loose.


Paris Hilton is Toonces the Cat

Sean Preston Federline Makes a Poopie

Michael Jackson, King of Poop

Cat Poop in Ann Coulter's Face

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Monday, June 19, 2006

Brandon Davis Gets an Oil Change

Oily heir and team firecrotch member Brandon Davis has reportedly checked into rehab. No, it has nothing to do with drugs. They just need to scrub him down and apply a fresh coat of oil, a process that may take several weeks.

UPDATE: Aaaak! Brandon Davis has invaded my unconcious! Shortly after posting this, I took a little, er, catnap, and had a dream in which the oily heir and a bunch of his buddies busted into my apartment. One of them dismantled my phone, and the rest were, well, obnoxious douchebags. I couldn't get them to leave so eventually I had to knock Brandon out by bashing him on the head with a bottle of booze.

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Thursday, June 15, 2006

Super Kitty Links Jamfest

Kitty reality show!

Kitty reality show webcams!


Kitties a-leaping!

Moggy coddling imperils Wales!

No kitties here, just crazily photoshopped celebrities!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Sean Preston Federline Makes a Poopie

So US Weekly is reporting that not too long ago big mama Britney took little Sean Preston thong shopping with her at Victoria’s Secret -- babies love slutty lingerie! Well, it seems he made a poopie in his diapers and, perfect mother that she is, Brit Brit insisted on changing him right then and there, on the floor, by the cash register. Being a charitable sort, she offered to donate the dirty diaper to a salesperson, who politely declined.

Poor Britney! If it had been little Shiloh Nouvel’s diaper, the employee would have taken it gladly and built a little shrine to it, or auctioned it off on eBay for $10,000.

To avoid future embarrassing scenes, we recommend that Britney have her manny cart around a little litterbox for baby Sean. It’s much more hygienic, and you can wait literally weeks before changing the litter. At least I do.

By the way, here’s a lovely shot of mama Britney.

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Ashlee Kitten: Before and After

In the latest issue of Marie Claire, Ashlee Simpson and her tiny new nose throw down a challenge to "Hollywood's twisted view of feminine beauty." proclaiming that "everyone is made differently, and that's what makes us beautiful and unique."

So obviously she CAN'T have had any plastic surgery. She lost that nose through diet and exercise!

And happily, she still has her giant cat ears.

More Ashlee:

Ashlee Simpson is Self-Cleaning
Ashlee Collapses Chasing Bugs
Ashlee Raccoon

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Monday, June 12, 2006

Paris Hilton is Toonces the Cat

I’m not sure who’s the biggest menace on the road, Paris Hilton or Toonces the Cat.

Here’s Paris.

Here’s Toonces.

You be the judge.

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Saturday, June 10, 2006

Kitties on Film: Drawer of Kittens!

If I had my own TV network, it would run live shots of drawers of kittens all day long.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Catty Kathy Griffin

Even though she is known to consort with dogs, we at catlebrity can’t help but love love love that Kathy Griffin, quite possibly the world’s greatest celebrity bitch-slapper. The new season of her reality show,
My Life on the D-List
, started this week, and we couldn’t be happier. Well, we probably could, but, that’s really a whole other set of issues that have nothing to do with Kathy, so let’s move on.

Anyway, it occured to us that Kathy is catty enough to be an honorary cat, so we went ahead and made her into one.

And as an added bonus to Kathy and her fans: Here’s an animated map of the US that tracks Bush’s plummeting popularity!

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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Kitties on Film: Dogfight!

Kitty, 1; Puppies, 0

Watch this video of a badass kitty staring down a horde of puppies. Then watch it again, and again.

There are no kitties in the deepest depths of the ocean, but if there were, they’d make short work of these weirdos.

There don’t seem to be any kitties in North Korea, either, though there are an awful lot of big, empty roads.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

OJ's Sex (Kitten) Tape

We at catlebrity were horrified to learn that a sex tape apparently featuring OJ Simpson has hit the Internets. We were even more horrified when we found this still photo from the video shoot. OJ’s people say it’s an OJ imposter on the tape. You be the judge.

At least it wasn’t a Joe Simpson sex tape. That would be creepier still.

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Paris Wants Love Gravy!

Paris’ new video is out. It’s a music video this time, though the production values are similar to that other video of hers.

Am I hearing things, or is she singing “if you show me real love gravy, I’ll show you mine???” Because if she isn’t, she should be.

More Paris here!

Meanwhile, help SAVE this misunderstood kitty! I’m serious, too. The resident cat here at the catlebrity offices has viciously attacked me many times, and you don’t hear me calling the cops. She only bites me because she loves me so much!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Britney, Not So Kitteny

Remember the good old days, when sweet little Britney described herself as (and I'm paraphrasing here), "not a kitten, not yet a cat"? Well, though she's pretty definitively not a kitten any more, we at catlebrity are unable to figure out what she actually IS. Whatever it is, the curlers aren't helping.

While we're at it, here's what the kid would look like if Brit Brit mated with Brit Hume.

Of course, with this guy as the father the poor kid's still got genetics working against him.

Note: The cat model in today’s post is the lovely Maddie-Mollie, whose picture was sent along by reader GinaZ. Just so you know, M-M is not actually as chubby as this in real life. Also, she’s not pink in color, doesn’t have the head of Britney Spears, and doesn’t carry babies around. At least as far as I know. Want your cat on catlebrity? Send us a picture!

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Friday, June 02, 2006

Link Your Butt

Squirty Kirstie!

"If I were going to be an alcoholic, I'd know it by now. Hic.” Zoom! Crash!

That’s a lot of balls!

If you love kangaroos and hate snakes, don’t click here.

I have no idea what this is about but after looking at the photo, I’m not sure I want to know.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

K-Fed Takes a Bath

No doubt you’ve seen those creepy new K-Fed photos. In a suit, with his hair neatly trimmed and coiffed, his facial hair gone, he barely looks like the K-Fed we know and loathe -- only the smirk remains. I’m sure the pictures will give me nightmares for weeks to come.

For better or worse, we at Catlebrity have managed to get hold of some candid pix of Mr. Spears getting prepared for the photoshoot. Reportedly, he scratched and bit at first -- he’s nervous around soap and water -- but once he got tired out he began to relax, and the smirk returned.

I can only hope that Brit Brit will arrange some more dress-up photoshoots for K. Sure, he looks scary in a suit, but wouldn’t he look great dressed as a pirate, or a monkey, or a sexy nurse?

For more Catlebritified K-Fed, see K-Fed’s Brazilian Wax and K-Fed in the doghouse.

Who’s stankier, K-Fed or Kid Rock? Compare for yourself here.

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