Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A Force More Powerful Than Tara
So much weird shit. As Dr. Pepper might say, I don’t know where to start or where to begin. Angelina Jolie is practicing voodoo; Ozzy Osbourne is terrified of bird flu -- even though, he insists, his days of bird-biting are behind him; Dakota Fanning is making a play for Vince; Hillary Clinton is allegedly pig-biting mad that not-so-little Chelsea has been hanging out with none other than T-ra R-id (hey, at least it’s not Bill); this poor lady’s giant boobs are being eaten by chipmunks and Paris, sweet monkey-touching Paris, is kicking sweet drunk-driving-with-a-jacket-on-his-head-and-leaving-the-scene of-an-accident Stavros to the curb because -- get this! -- his rowdy friends set a hotel room on fire and she doesn’t want to be associated with that kind of trash!!! (Those are exclamation points of astonishment, not a reference to the band.)
Ok, take a breath, then let’s just circle back to Ms. Reid, shall we? This past weekend the legendary “party girl” -- that’s the nicest term I can think of for what she is -- proved utterly incapable of pulling off a birthday party for herself. She showed up more-or-less clothed, apparently sober-ish -- and with HER MOTHER IN TOW! Apparently, The Scoop says, whenever she got too freaky with her dancing (or whatever) “a hand reached out and pulled her away. It was her mom.”
That’s right: there is a force in this universe powerful enough to contain Tara’s slutitude! Her mom! Aaak! Gargoyles! Psychics! DARK-SIDED!!
We’re just going to hide in this bag until it all blows over.
UPDATE! Stavros' friends didn't start a fire! They set off a fire alarm during a "pillow fight gone awry.". Also P&S may not be completely broken up. In which case, presumably, their love will be eternal, or for another 3 days, whichever comes first.
tags: tara reid, paris hilton, chelsea clinton,oh I give up