Monday, October 31, 2005

Every day is the day after Halloween

A little post-Halloween scary addendum.

UPDATE: Slutty celeb costume roundup!"

UPDATE 2: More celeb costume ugliness!

UPDATE 3: Kirsten Drunkst, er, Dunst, also goes the slutty cat route. Only not so much slutty as just sort of stupid.

World’s Ugliest Dog, meet World’s Ugliest Cat (pictured at left). (Thanks to D-Listed for pointing me to the doggie, and to Conversations About Famous People for that lovely shot of Gwynny as a slutty dead cat.)

Speaking of scary: Bai Ling sings!. (Though, actually, Kim Alexis is worse!)

On Halloween, Everyone's a Kitty

Apparently heeding my sage advice, Paris Hilton dressed up as a slutty cat for Halloween. At least I think that's what she was trying to be. Her tail's too long for her to be a bunny, though it's possible she was trying to impersonate a fox. In any case, her outfit was exceedingly slutty and tacky and, well, it worked. Never before have I found her even a little bit hott, but now I almost sort of do.

Check out flickr for a vast assortment of halloween kitties, from which this little collage was assembled. (Idea inspired by Cityrag, which has an assortment of halloween dog pix for your edification and amusement.)

Alan Greenspan as Yoda, dead celebrities and other scary Halloween masks from Though none of them are quite as scary as the Martha Stewart and Dennis Kozlowski masks they did a couple years back..

Or, as Defamer suggests, you could just go as K. Fed: "Grab a 40, a bag of Cheetos, and a chain from grandma’s jewelry box, and you’re good to go at a total price of less than ten bucks."

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Cat-o-Lantern Links (Pre-Halloween Edition)

Dress as David Gest or a slutty cat!

Spooky old timey photos. Thanks, Citirag!

And here’s a creepy H.P. Lovecraft story about creepy cats!

“Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?” “Are you kidding ... I LOVE to do that!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Nicole Richie is thoroughly inspected

The judges at the 3rd annual Hairless Pussy Contest give Nicole a thorough inspection.

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Scooter Libby: One Unhappy Cat

But at least he's not up to his neck in cat poop. Yet.

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Sieg Hell

The gay Vegas celebrity tiger-taming world was rocked today by allegations of Roy abuse. A former bodyguard of Roy (yes, THAT Roy) says that Siegfried (yes, THAT Siegfried) has been tormenting and humiliating his partner, who’s still recovering from that nasty tiger mauling he got back in 2003. Among other things, the ex-bodyguard says:

"Siegfried was a tyrant and had loud, explosive outbursts at the plaintiff and at Roy. ...

[He] forced Roy to take medication, even when Roy begged to not be medicated

[And he] declined to purchase new clothing for Roy, and Roy's clothing had to be pinned up to stay on because of his drastic loss of weight, causing him embarrassment and a loss of self-esteem.”

I dunno. I think if I were still recovering from BEING MAULED BY A TIGER I wouldn’t really worry too much about whether my clothes looked sharp. But that’s me.

So what does all this have to do with the bodyguard? Well he’s suing for “wrongful discharge” -- no, no, not THAT kind -- and emotional distress, claiming that Siegfried’s alleged nasty treatment of Roy left him feeling “haunted and distressed.” Also, he had to give Roy sponge baths and engage in other “undignified ... bathroom duties.”

All the gory details here.

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Dirk Wears White Sox

White sox, white sox white sox, white sox. That’s all you hear now in Chicago. I have no idea what exactly everyone is talking about, or why they insist on spelling it that way. I mean, white socks look fine on cats, on Catholic and/or Japanese schoolgirls, not to mention on Japanese schoolgirl cat-androids. (See picture at left.) But other than that, I can’t see what all the excitement is about.

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Cat a rising star

This is no photoshop trickery! This cat actually has two tongues. And a blog. She’s becoming quite the cat-lebrity.

In other news: It’s bad enough that dopey New Agers feel they have to perpetually “enlighten” the rest of us with their stupid beliefs. But why do they have to project their idiotic notions onto cats? Cats are not New Agers! They’re crazy little monsters who’ve managed to charm themselves into the cushiest job on earth. They destroy our possessions and force us to clean up their stinky poo! So if you ever get the urge to look to cats for "wellness wisdom," at least have the decency to NOT WRITE A NEWSPAPER COLUMN ABOUT YOUR VAPID NON-INSIGHTS.

“Cats know that to let go of your stress you need two things: a comfy seat and a sunbeam.” Yeah, and a willing human slave to tend to their every need. That’s why they purr all the time. I’d purr too.

Of course, cats do have to put up with some crazy shit from us from time to time. Like people who dress them in little costumes -- or put stuff on them.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Slutty cats: Better than Candy!

So I type the words “cat” and “celebrity” into the Google News search engine -- my internet research skills are quite advanced! -- and up comes a column by some dried-up-old-biddy* at the Village Voice mocking all those “insecure girls [who] convince themselves that dressing up as a slutty cat [on Halloween] is somehow empowering.”

But insecure girls dressing as slutty cats is THE BEST THING about Halloween. Better than candy, even. Dressing as a slutty cat is also appropriate for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Yom Kippur, Washington’s Birthday, Arbor Day -- any day, really.

Still, for those not going the slutty cat route, the article does have one good suggestion: “choose a celebrity who died in some horrible way, and then dress as them ‘in Heaven.’”

I’d suggest going as Liza Minelli -- though technically speaking, she’s not dead just yet.

Or, along the same lines, as David Gest (Scroll down a little for the full horror.)

You could also, of course, go as your favorite CAT.LEBRITY. I’m going as a Dennis Rodman cat with a noodle in my butt.

*Fact not confirmed at press time.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Tuesday Lynx: I am the WIENER!

I am the WIENER! (But I am not named “castlebrity!”)

Celine Dion is thawing a monster.

Rupert Murdoch’s got balls.

Paris Hilton suggestively waggles her finger in front of Tom Sizemore.

Kate Moss, poetess.

Lindsay’s Lohans make a surprise comeback.

Ashlee Simpson: Self-Cleaning

Say what you will about Ashlee Simpson’s giant mutant monster tongue, the girl is well-groomed.

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Monday, October 24, 2005

Monday Lynx!

Ken is getting a makeover to win Barbie back from her current beau Blaine. Barbie: Listen to us, girl. He’s not interested in you. He just wants to get closer to Blaine!

Speaking of which. Elijah Wood may well be very very gay.

Elmo arrested! Turns out he’s just some skeezy dude in a costume. Whatever you do, DON’T TICKLE HIM!

Quiz! Which one is the real cat?

Is Posh exchanging long protein strands with Katie?

Something is desperately wrong with Paris Hilton's ass.

Melissa Rivers: Almost black?

Joan Rivers, bless her catty soul, threw a magnificent hissy fit on a BBC radio show last week after another guest suggested she hated black people . After a little verbal scuffle, she extracted an apology from her accuser, who was there promoting a film about his mixed-race kid. "Thank you,” she said. “Please continue about your stupid film."

I’m with Joan here, not only because she's turning into a kitty, but because all she'd said was that she was “so, so bored of race. I think people should inter-marry. Everybody should be part this, part that and part everything.”

Later on, expanding on this theme, she told another interviewer that given the amount of interracial boinking he did in her youth it was sort of a miracle that Melissa wasn't born black.

It’s true! As you can see from the photo above, the other kittens in Melissa's litter came out all sorts of colors.

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Friday, October 21, 2005

Tom Delay in Deep Doo-Doo (Literally)

Yet he seems oddly cheerful.

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Paris Hilton's Other Pussy

UPDATE: More people come to this page on my blog than any other. Why? This is not, by any stretch of the imagination (or of Paris' rear entryway), my best cattified celebrity. Is is because I use the word "pussy"? You people have filthy minds.

These posts are all much better:

Mrs. Trump Has a Kitten
LOST spinoff: Lost Cat
Jessica Alba, Sin Kitty
Gwyneth preggers
K-Fed in the doghouse!
Jen Garner, Ready to Pop
Jen Garner Drops a Litter!
Jennifer Aniston Topless! (Literally)
Macy's Parade Mishap!
Kirsten Dunst’s Drunken Master!
Bush battles door!
MJ: The King of Poop
J Lo, illegal space alien
Vince Vaughn: Not fat, fluffy!
Nicollette Sheridan: Desperate Housecat
Nicole Richie is thoroughly inspected

Or you can just start with the newest posts and work your way back.

Now back to the original post:

Turns out that alleged Paris Hilton nude-with-a-weird-ass photo that’s been making the rounds is a big fat fake. We here at CAT.LEBRITY could have told you that. That’s because we have the original. Not the bikini one. That’s fake too.

I think Ms. Hilton can teach us all a lesson here: You’re never fully dressed without a kitten in your ass.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Neo-Nazi Olsen Twins (or Happy Hitler Hardcore)

This has nothing to do with kitties, but, yipes!

I was sort of hoping the site was part of some elaborate sting operation to catch Nazi pedophiles. But apparently it's not.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Beyonce: Bleached, Bewhiskered

Scandal! A super-secret inside source at Vanity Fair is saying the magazine digitally lightened the picture of Beyonce that appears on the cover of the latest issue to make her look, you know, not quite so black.

We at CAT.LEBRITY would NEVER EVER do anything like this, as the COMPLETELY UNRETOUCHED photo of Beyonce at left makes abundantly clear. That's just how she looks, people -- like a blurry white kitten.


Monday, October 17, 2005

LCD Meowsystem

When LCD Soundsystem played at the Empty Bottle here in Chicago not that long ago, James Murphy lapsed into Henrietta Pussycat-speak when doing his mic check -- instead of boring old "check one two" he said, simply and eloquently, "meow meow meow." LCD Soundystem is coming to town later this week so I thought I'd take a break from the regular celeb whores and idiots to have a crack at the hardest-working hipster doofus in show business. Meow meow!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Scent of Kirstie Alley

Hoo-ah! Rumor has it that Kirstie Alley and Al Pacino have hooked up. That's a sex tape I don't want to see, hear, or smell.

But I suppose it's good news for Kirstie Alley-Cat, who's spent the last few weeks moping around the house, nibbling on kibble and licking her own ass.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Girls Gone Wildenstein!

Well, in this case the girl is an old, old lady, Joan Rivers, who's been looking an awful lot like a furless robot cat-woman of late.

The weird thing is she actually looks much better in the picture at left than she does in real life. She should probably get fur grafts and giant kitty ears -- I mean, real ones, not photoshop ones -- to complete her look.

Thanks to Citirag for the source photo here; see Awful Plastic Surgery for Ms. Wildenstein in all her terrifying glory.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Kirsten Dunst's Sad Sacks

Mean people keep saying that cute little Kirsten Dunst has saggy, unhappy sunken boobies.

I don't think they look so bad.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Rodman/Electra: A Penne Saved, A Marriage Ruined

Oh dear. A new book by Dennis Rodman suggests the real reason his "marriage" to Carmen Electra fell apart had to do with Carmen's inability to cook.

Specifically, her inability to cook pasta before trying to shove it in his ass while he slept.

And no, I'm not making that up. Details here.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The War on Tara

Poor Tara Reid! They tore down Taradise, so now instead of a total party-girl drug retard TV host she's just, well, an unemployed party-girl drug retard. Plus, it looks like she fell into the pool. She's one big wet sloppy pussy!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Ashlee Raccoon

Hey, if you're going for the raccoon look, why not go all the way?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Katie Holmes' Silent Scream

TomKat have successfully mated! What, you heard?

We're guessing that somehow this involved a turkey baster. Or some elaborate ritual a la Rosemary's Baby. But this blog is all about the kitties, so we'll just pretend it went down like this. Sometimes it's fun to pretend, eh Tom?

Anyhoo, according to the New York Daily News, Katie will have to do some big time pretending when the little monster's ready to come out -- the baby, I mean. She's going to have to pretend it doesn't hurt a bit. See, not only do Scientologists say no to drugs (even the good ones) but they also:

insist on "silent birth" because they believe it's traumatic for babies to hear their mothers groan or cry. "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go," church founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his best-selling "Dianetics."

What if the baby's alleged daddy is jumping up and down on couches screaming like a banshee? Won't that just make the thetans ever madder?

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