Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Shhhhhhhhhh!
Cat.lebrity is sleeping.
At some point we will wake up, finish up the last of the kibbles, and resume pasting celeb faces on unsuspecting kitties. In the meantime, enjoy our "best-of" posts again -- or for the very first time. (See the column at right for a list of what we, at least, consider our greatest hits.)
When you're done, visit some other nice blog like Dlisted, or Cityrag, or Kvak.com, or WACK-a-pedia, or any of the other fine blogs in our links.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Bob-Your-Head-With-K-Fed links
Links by the galore:
Mariah dances in a tub of butter.
This picture of Marlon Brando is very very very very very very dirty.
Sometimes I make little electronic songs on my computer and I am very proud of them and I listen to them and bob my head. Which is, admittedly, very dorky. What I DON'T do, though, is use my rich wife's money to pay someone else to produce tracks for me, then defile them with my stupid raps, then play them back and bob my head WHILE SOMEONE FILMS ME. So in conclusion, that’s why I am not K-Fed.
Matthew B. cannot resist the mystical powers of Jessica Alba's ass. (Thanks cityrag!)
The precise locations of Fergie'’s lady lumps revealed at last! Oh dear God, there's more! And even more than that!
Hey, is that Courtney -- or Brit Brit?
Milla Jovavitch is a man, baby!
Tara inadvertently forgets to get wasted.
Sharon Stone is apparently starring in a movie about zombies.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Music For Kitties
Sometimes the kitties and I like to get away from the hustle and bustle of the celebrity world and just listen to music. Sweet sweet music. And this crap also.
Wondrous tape findings!
Includes: The most boring tape-letter ever! With jokes!
And Far-out underage DJs of 1973!
Teenage Volleyballers!
Robotic singing!
Robotic reading!
Mysterious Counting Spy People! Includes Yankee Hotel Foxtrot -- the Original mix! (Only it’s called “tcp d1 4 phonetic alphabet nato irdial.”)
Wax Cylinder Hit Parade!
We're still alive
We are sorry to have been silent for so long, but we are still suffering from, well, it's either ennui or botulism. Which one make you fart? Anyway, to tide you over here are pictures of pregnant cats. Lots of pregnant cats.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Mary Kate, Bobblehead
Anyone scanning the Golden Globes best-and-worst dressed lists may have noticed a startling new development: Mary Kate Olsen has become a bobblehead! I don’t mean that she LOOKS like a bobblehead, or that someone has made a bobblehead doll based on her -- as far as I know someone already has -- but that she, herself, has quite literally been transformed into a bobblehead. With the body and ears of a cat. (A bit like good old Gregor Samsa, but, you know, without that whole cockroach angle.)
I suspect MK should probably see one of these.
., . , . , . , .
Under the weather
Catlebrity is feeling poorly. We will return to our usual gleeful posting shortly, assuming we don't have, like, the bubonic plague. I mean, we are covered head to toe with festering buboes, but that's pretty normal for a case of the sniffles, right?
Friday, January 13, 2006
Gwyneth Fermenting Another Baby
More fucking babies. Gwyneth has finally come out and admitted she’s preggers again. It’s about time she made some sort of announcment, because she was really beginning to show.
tags: gwyneth, paltrow, pregnant, demon, baby
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Angelina Gives Birth to Kittens!
Oh my goodness! After the shortest pregnancy in human history Angelina has actually GIVEN BIRTH! To KITTENS!
We don’t have a shot of her with the fuzzy little darlings, but amazingly, Jen Garner has offered to nurse any that Angelina can’t accomodate at her two human nipples. And, as you can see from the photo at left, Jen has had no trouble handling all her own little ones.
For a closer look at Angelina’s most unusual pregnancy, take a look here, then here, followed by here, then finally here.
Or you can just scroll down to “Angelina Shakes her Bump” and work your way up from there.
tags: angelina jolie, brangelina, pregnant, preggers, pop! wait, are those kittens?
Tits on the radio, a finger up the nose
Rar! Sarah Jessica STOMP!
Pot. It’s like catnip for celebs!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, and so can Cindy Crawford!
Looks like Jessica’s been in a rumble.
You know that Scissor Sisters song where they say “you can’t see tits on the radio?” Well, apparently, you can!
Hey, she saved 50 cents with the coupon!
Slough Witted
So I was looking through my traffic logs the other day and noticed I had gotten a visitor from Slough. Slough the city, that is, not the actual Slough of Despond. You may know Slough, not one of Merrie Old England’s merrier spots, as the locale of BBC’s hilarious show The Office.
It’s also, I discovered recently, the location of a unique social experiment in forced cheerfulness, which also happens to be a BBC show, in which a pack of experts descend upon the town with the aim of Making Slough Happy.
They’ve even got a little Happiness Manifesto, encouraging everyone to do happy things like exercising, planting plants, and even smiling wantonly at strangers. (Does leering count? I do that all the time already!)
Anyhoo, it seems to me that the Slough Happy-Makers are forgetting a most basic source of happiness, and of the occasional extremely smelly poop: Kitties! So we here at cat.lebrity are launching our own campaign: MAKING SLOUGH HAPPY ... WITH KITTIES!
Alert your cats and let the happiness begin!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Let's all stare, shall we?
We’re Number Three!
We’re Number Five! (Er, on page 2.)
Whitney is Nutrageous!
“Hey! I’m UP HERE! Look me in the EYES when you talk to me! I mean... WOAH! OHMYGOD those are AMAZING! DO you mind if I stare at them too?”
Sweet sweet exfoliating love!
Ooh! That really was a terrible outfit. And that one. And THAT one. That one too. No, that one isn’t any better. No, still terrible. That’s even worse! Who dresses you people anyway? I swear, these are just getting worse and worse! AAAGH! My EYES!!!
Given her troubles dressing herself, clearly Mariah’s best option is to run around practically nude. I mean, more so that usual.
Who knew Marisa Tomei looked so good from that angle?
Angelina: Topless, Showing Off Her Bump
It’s amazing how fast this pregnancy has progressed! It looks like she’s incubating an entire village in there.
I know she gets a big kick out of helping the poor, but I’m not sure she should be hauling stuff around in a wheelbarrow, given her condition.
tags: angelina jolie, brangelina, pregnant, preggers, pregerino, bump, topless
Angelina: Even More Pregnant!
Just when you thought she couldn’t get any bigger, here’s the latest and greatest picture of Angelina’s rapidly expanding baby belly!
tags: angelina jolie, brangelina, pregnant, preggers, pregerino, bump
Angelina's Bump Keeps Growing!
The Angelina Jolie pregnancy story continues to develop! Here’s the latest picture of her growing bump!
tags: angelina jolie, brangelina, pregnant, preggers, pregerino, bump
Angelina Shakes Her Bump!
Yep, Angelina’s pregnant! We’ve managed to get hold of this photographic proof!
tags: angelina jolie, brangelina, pregnant, preggers, pregerino, bump
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
My Boobyguard
Paris needs a boobyguard.
Nicky needs a boogerguard.
Is Star from a distant star?
This is a reminder to check for these.
Dakota Fanning, coke whore? (Allegedly!)
They’re smooth as eggs!
No cold weather shrinkage here!
Kate is not Kate.
Dude! It’s a llama!
Kitty!
Jenna Jameson: Kitty Porn Star
Jenna Jameson, porn princess and noted literary slut, seems to be turning into a skanky Jocelyn Wildenstein.
Ay yi yi. Her lips are even more fucked up than Arnold’s!
tags: jenna jameson, porn star, jocelyn wildenstein, trout pout
Monday, January 09, 2006
Links, bloody links
Mischa Barton donates blood -- to her pants!
Mimi: The Worst-Case Scenario
Paris has a fluffy buttplug.
Grr! It’s Larry King!
Jamie Foxx is an ATM!
Who doesn’t paste their face on Catherine Deneuve?
Dogs boiled in oil!. Er, PAINTED in oil. (Thanks Cityrag)
Glasbena Sola za Zivali!
Bonk!
Mark E. Smith is a Pretty Pussycat
The last time I saw The Mighty Fall, the group’s leader/tyrant Mark. E. Smith spent most of the show sitting at a desk like some deranged CEO, muttering his incomprehensible lyrics into an assortment of balky microphones. Near the end of the show he wandered off the stage altogether, performing the last several songs from an undisclosed location somewhere backstage. The show was great, regardless. Later I found out Mark had broken his hip earlier in the tour. Not that I needed an explanation for his behavior. Mark E. Smith is Mark E. Smith. Such is his sense of showmanship, if that’s the right word for it, that most hard-core Fall fans, myself included, would be happy to watch him reading the sports scores.
Well guess what? Now you can. Watch him read sports scores, that is.
While you’re at it, you can transform your own random mutterings into Mark E. Smith-speak. And in case you’re wondering, you can doublecheck to see if you’ve ever been been in The Fall.
Some of The Fall's biggest fans, like one James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem, are also kitties.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Links to Ruin Your Weekend With
You can have the drumsticks. I'll take a wing
Hey girls! This potty-mouthed stiletto-wearing shell, er, hunk, of a man is still available!
Help! A monster! That tranny isn't looking so hot either.
I loves me the boobies but this ain't right.
Speaking of which, here's Fergie without photoshop!
Watch out for the the reindeer gang and their dastardly reindeer games!
Star Jones knows how to induce vomiting.
Delicious, delicious bread.
The fine art of celebrity face carving.
Mariah: Bib Girls Don't Cry
Why does it not come as a shock that Mariah loves to lie in bed and eat so ravenously she needs a bib?
I mean, with a bib you can catch some of the splatter before it hits the floor. Sure, you could just lean off the edge of the bed and lick up the fallen morsels, but who's got the energy for that?
Hey, here's another kitty in a bib!
tags: mariah carey, bed, bib, munch, munch, munch
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Lindsay Lohan Rescued By Superman, Fairies!
This just in: Lindsay Lohan fell down a mine shaft, but then was miraculously rescued!
By Superman! And fairies! And Paris Hilton flew by on a giant magical bird!
Oh, wait, that’s not “just in.” I sort of just imagined it, and then didn’t bother to check my facts, which, it turns out, actually weren’t facts at all. Ah well. The voices in my head, while certainly noisy enough, are not always the most reliable source for breaking news, alas. But, hey, what is?
Still, I seem to remember something about young Miss Lohan going to the hospital, or something.
tags: lindsay lohan, media, fact checking, dewey defeats truman
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Rappin' Patrick and Bend-Over Al
P-Swaze tries to pull a Federline. Which sounds a bit obscene, actually.
But he won’t be the first horribly embarrassing rapper the world has ever heard.
Looks like Al Reynolds is a bend-over boyfriend! Er, husband. (I vaguely remember the two getting married not long ago...)
Step One: Enter glass house. Step two: Throw stones!
So fucking CUUUUUUUUTEE!!! Thanks, Cityrag, for the tip.
Junk Feud is back!.
Everybody is a Cat.Lebrity!
We have a winner! Well, actually, we already had a winner, an alert reader who correctly identified the mysterious fleshy image I posted on Dec. 22. (It was an obscene-looking but actually not quite technically obscene upskirt shot of Mariah Carey’s legs.) Anyway, as promised, I have worked my Cat.Lebrity magic on the winner. Ta da!
Anyone else who wants to be turned into a Cat.Lebrity should email me their picture and an explanation as to why they deserve this honor. If I like the pic and/or explanation, you’ll get your face on a cat!
Hello, Slovenia!
While Cat.Lebrity’s (North and South) American fans snuggle in their beds, curiosity seekers from faraway lands log on to snicker at the whorish antics of Paris and her pals. Checking my traffic at 3 AM (I'm a bit of a night person) I noticed a steady stream of visitors from places like Madagascar, Iran and ... Slovenia!
Especially Slovenia, due to a link on a site called Kvak.com, which describes itself as follows: “Dnevno sveze novice, vroce bodice in pomembne govorice.”
I have no idea what that means, but it is heartening to see that folks in Ljubljana enjoy Paris Hilton’s crotch scratching and Whitney’s (allegedly) crack-enhanced dance moves as much as we here in Chicago do!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy New Year (Observed)!
For those cats still celebrating the New Year, some links: Worst dressed of 2005
And someone’s off to a running start in 2006!
The world’s tightest pants are baggy on Nicole!
Mariah, though, has no trouble filling out her outfits, and then some.
Tacky celeb New Year’s Resolutions.
Jessica Simpson contemplates the universe.
Are Jake G and Brittany M the same person?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
K-Fed's Brazilian Wax
K-Fed has gone Brazilian! No, not down there. (As far as I know; I’m guessing he’s got shrubbery pretty much everywhere).
No, he’s gone Brazilian on his new single, PopoZao, which apes the mutant Brazilian rap genre known a Baile Funk. (The song’s title is Brazilian slang for “big butt,” apparently.)
Anyway, I find Kev’s new musical direction very distressing. Because, dammit, I LOVE BAILE FUNK, an energetic mixture of old school drum machine beats, oddball samples and lots of yelling in Portuguese. Heck, the backing track for Kev’s new rap actually isn’t bad. The only real problem with it is, well, the vocal styings of one of the stankiest men alive!
We can only hope K-Fed doesn’t decide to piss on other Brazilian music greats like Jorge Ben or Carmen Miranda.
K-Fed, O Yi Yi Yi Yi I Hate-A You Very Much!
PS: In case you're wondering, that's not Brit Brit with him in the picture. It's the Cat in the Hat with a Miranda-esque turban of fruit.
tags: k-fed, federline, popozao, baile funk, carmen miranda
The New Year Smells Like Butt!
Kirstin smells like butt! (But who will tell her?)
Paris looks for her phone in a most unusual place!
“Stop calling me Nip!"
Who would have guessed that cute little Tom would end up so crazy?
Is Celine actually The Beast? (Check out the URL of the post for a clue!)
Ricky Martin is totally NOT GAY!
One Year in Paris.
